My new Hair-do

Going for a new hair-style was never in my agenda for this year. The thought never crossed my mind, until a week ago, Shay and I were talking about hair, and suddenly I thought, "I wanna chop off my long locks". I guess it's all these new year, new phase and new everything "hype" that made me take this spontaneous decision. It's not like, i've never thought of keeping short hair, but I never took a step, never made the thought into a decision. I guess I got used to having my long, flowing, princess-ey hair. (It gave me extra confidence, and made me more secure in a way *haha*)

It's been close to a decade (about 6 over years) since I had that "so-called" princess-ey hair, so I guess its good for a change. I was never as excited as I was at the hair-dresser's ( for a hair-cut). The moment the hair-dresser chopped off my long hair, i was overwhelmed with this immense joy, like a weight is lifted off or something. Anyway, this got me thinking. Why didn't I have the courage to cut my hair short prior to last friday? And I realise it was fear. I was afraid that I would look awful. I was afraid I would look so ugly that people wouldn't accept me. Then it struck me. Many people give up things. Things they should have done, (but never did) things they should have experience, (but never did) things they should have pursued (but never did). Well, all i can say is, you never know until you've done it. The trick is to get someone who knows it well and let that person guide you. (relate it to getting a good hairdresser and allowing her to suggest, after showing her what you want)

Well, life is too short to be dwelt on what-ifs and nots.... Live it.. :)

How do you define failure? or success?

Failures. Success. Happiness. How do you define them? what will be the ultimate measurement of a person's magnitude of success, failure or happiness? Acquisition of wealth, attaining a social status even greater than the president of US, becoming even more famous than the likes of Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Oprah? Is that how we measure ourselves or are being measured upon? I would like to think so. However, I've seen people who are filthy rich (that they use money as toilet paper) and still are not happy, or satisfied, or still deem themselves as failure. Also, there are people who have achieved so much but are still lost. In my own opinion, the contentment comes from within the person. If someone who desperately wants to be rich (just richness, not fame, not status), and is given the stamp-card of being known by everyone, a celebrity status, he would be happy for a while, but not satisfied. Only the acquisition of wealth can make him happy. Likewise, if a person is longing for another person to share his life with, to never be lonely ever again, no amount of wealth will fill the void in his heart. Only we know what we want, and what can fill the void within us. It's all within us. Only we have the ability to make ourselves happy. Only we can rightly measure and say we are successful. Only we can deem ourselves as a failure.

So this new year, I would like to remind myself that only I have the ability to make myself happy, successful and contented. The external forces doesn't count. It all from within.

My experiences with studying Greek.

My experiences with (studying) Greek can be liken to maintaining/working on a relationship/marriage.

Greek 1: honeymoon phase. I feel in love with Greek. Couldn't wait for the next class. Didn't need to study or work so hard to get A. I was just so in love with Greek. It was just so easy to love Greek.

Greek 2: little did I realize, trouble started brewing. I saw that Greek was not all that good. It became harder. I lost interest. Hence, I totally shut down and stopped studying/working on it. I started dreading n abhorring it and wondered why I even loved it in the first place. I wanted to give up. But just continued the relationship without any interest. There was no spark. No chemistry. The relationship just went on auto-pilot more because I didn't see the point in wasting energy fighting it, hating it.

Greek 3: now, despite hating it in Greek 2, somehow I pulled through it without failing. (the relationship was sore, but it still survived) so I managed to convince myself that if I don't start working on it, it will fail n collapse: I needed to put in more effort. It was either I fail or pass. (divorce or stay married) No other choice. I had to choose one. It couldn't continue on auto-pilot mode. So I decided to study. Give a bit of an effort. Because if not, it will fall apart. It is still hard. But I'm not giving up. And the relationship looks better now. But it's something I wouldn't mind closing the chapter on. I wish the love and passion I had for Greek in our honeymoon phase came back. But alas, like any other relationship. once u have seen the worst side of the other person, no matter how much u want to love them again, it just doesn't happen. You know too much of the bad stuff already to want to go back to the honeymoon phase. Only God can restore it back to that phase.

Big Picture

As the talk about purpose and journey continues, most of us begin to discover similar themes running through our lives. None of us know what is lurking in the next corner as we take a step forward in life. The presence of uncertainty can make anyone anxious and for some it can even be a source of disappointment. But for me, it adds flavour to this journey. Life would be so boring, if we knew what's going to happen in the next 5 years, or 10 years. No surprise, no cherishing every minute (since you'd already know what's going to happen anyway ya?), and no tears.

No tears...Well, let's face the facts. No one wants to cry. No one wants to be sad. No one wants to have his/her heart broken. No one wants to be betrayed. No one wants to be.. no one.. but it's those difficult times that shape our character and makes us stronger for the next challenge that we've to conquer. Because whether we like it or not, life brings you both roses and thorns. And without hard times, you will never be strong enough to tackle the tough thorns coming your way.

Also, the element of trusting God will be gone... because you already know what is going to happen, the need for higher power to help you and guide you will be diminished. Of course, even if we knew what's going to happen, the entire details, we would still need God; But the difference is that we would withdraw our focus from HIM and try to tackle the problems on our own. Which in my case, always proves to be futile, cos i always end up tackling a problem in the wrong manner. oh well, in a way these mistakes shaped me too, cos it taught me a lesson and taught me how 'not' to do.

Mistakes... talking about mistakes.. I've so many mistakes that i've committed. Some out of ignorance. Some out of my own will. Some due to my weakness. Wrong choices. Wrong actions. Wrong everything. And many times, I wish I had a time machine so that i can turn back time. I regret things i did, regret meeting some people, regret being vulnerable. But, this is life. There are no time machines. NO ONE can turn back time. So there is no point dwelling in misery and wasting time over past actions. What we should do instead is to take ownership of the wrong we've done and move on. Move on by admitting it was entirely our fault, and by making a resolution to never commit the same mistake twice. Believe it or not, Mistakes shape us more than we think, or give credit to.

Lastly, my thoughts just dwells on the power of love. Yes, you might have been hurt. But never shut down your heart. Love is the most powerful gift....

Bridge over troubled waters

As I listen to this beautiful song, "Bridge over troubled waters"... I was just reminded how often we forget to lay our troubles on Jesus. How He keeps reminding us that He will take care of our worries, and to lay our cares on him... but how often we forget that.......... especially now, with all the papers and exams... Just so tired, everyday is a drag.... like even though i dont get much things done, I still feel so tired. Need to learn to draw freshness from the living water..... Need to learn to put my cares on HIM...

Ok, I'm too lazy to write down everything that's on my mind... That's how mentally tired I am... Just looking forward to 4th April, the day that I fly home... the holiday i desire most....... :) can't wait to see you...... <3

What just happened?

"it's all too quiet" "it's coming over YOU, like its a big mistake" "somethings made your eyes cold" "Come on, don't leave me like this, i thought i had u figured out"
"My mother accused me of loosing my mind" "you paint me a blue sky, and turn it to rain" "maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame"

One second, one minute, one day.... seems to make a whole lot of difference...
One random thought, One random mistake... I swear it's always mistake with me.. cos the mistakes I've made are not intentional... Well, a certain someone told me that its intentional... but its not..... its pure mistake..... All these put together, and we are in a different world. We were in Venus, and now we are in Mars.

I have the urge to update my status on facebook and really put "what's on my mind" but I wouldn't.... cause I don't wanna hurt you... but you don't seem to have a problem updating urs with underline connotations.

If you should read this, and if I really could tell you honestly... without worrying about whether you will go cold... cos that's what you do, when I open my big loud mouth to express myself... I've always been open and expressive... that's what my parents encouraged me to.. to just be open and state my mind... but these days i seem to be hiding my thoughts away....

Hiding all my hurts... Every word you say... or don't say... seem to pierce my heart..
One sword at a time... and when you seem generous, its needles... but needles are painful, though smaller....

But you'd never know, how painful it is to lick my wounds... lick it alone... because you are so absorbed in your world.. all you want is for me to be in your world... you don't want to have anything to do with my world..... All you think about is HOW HURT YOU are.... and should you know... I'm really sorry for what I did... and I'm trying my BEST to heal those wounds... those burning wounds i've inflicted... but you wouldnt give me a chance to.... but instead you cut me into two... or three.. or four...but you'd never know... cause you are so absorb in all your hurts....

The art of Distraction........

No one knows better to distract oneself than yours truly. Well, blame it all on the festive mood. Chinese New year -_- shheesshhhh..................

Writing a paper on the topic "sons of God" but cant seem to get my mind to FOCUS.... managed to come up with only a 1000 words after 2 days of zero concentration..... another 1500 more words to go... Avoni fighting...!!!

But come to think of it... I'm the victim..... Technology has taken my concentration level away...... Facebook, youtube, messenger, Iphone....... the list goes on.....

PLEASE:- word to the students who wants to score "A", "Do not ever ever download RESTAURANT story" *sigh... It's an addictive game... gets you so hooked........ if it doesnt get you hooked, then somethings wrong with you..... I couldn't stop playing... On the train, the bus, walking down the streets, eating, church, studying, writing a paper, in class........ Everywhere... !!! ssshheessshh............ horrible......... Regina dear you got me into trouble by introducing this game.......... hee hee.. but i love it so much........

Nwas my inability to concentrate got so far that I even went to the BBC website to check out news........... which is really funny, cos i don;t normally read/watch news...... never....... only entertainment news......... so well......... the bottom line:- if you can't concentrate, you will invent or find ways to get youself even more distracted......... hmm