My new Hair-do

Going for a new hair-style was never in my agenda for this year. The thought never crossed my mind, until a week ago, Shay and I were talking about hair, and suddenly I thought, "I wanna chop off my long locks". I guess it's all these new year, new phase and new everything "hype" that made me take this spontaneous decision. It's not like, i've never thought of keeping short hair, but I never took a step, never made the thought into a decision. I guess I got used to having my long, flowing, princess-ey hair. (It gave me extra confidence, and made me more secure in a way *haha*)

It's been close to a decade (about 6 over years) since I had that "so-called" princess-ey hair, so I guess its good for a change. I was never as excited as I was at the hair-dresser's ( for a hair-cut). The moment the hair-dresser chopped off my long hair, i was overwhelmed with this immense joy, like a weight is lifted off or something. Anyway, this got me thinking. Why didn't I have the courage to cut my hair short prior to last friday? And I realise it was fear. I was afraid that I would look awful. I was afraid I would look so ugly that people wouldn't accept me. Then it struck me. Many people give up things. Things they should have done, (but never did) things they should have experience, (but never did) things they should have pursued (but never did). Well, all i can say is, you never know until you've done it. The trick is to get someone who knows it well and let that person guide you. (relate it to getting a good hairdresser and allowing her to suggest, after showing her what you want)

Well, life is too short to be dwelt on what-ifs and nots.... Live it.. :)

How do you define failure? or success?

Failures. Success. Happiness. How do you define them? what will be the ultimate measurement of a person's magnitude of success, failure or happiness? Acquisition of wealth, attaining a social status even greater than the president of US, becoming even more famous than the likes of Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Oprah? Is that how we measure ourselves or are being measured upon? I would like to think so. However, I've seen people who are filthy rich (that they use money as toilet paper) and still are not happy, or satisfied, or still deem themselves as failure. Also, there are people who have achieved so much but are still lost. In my own opinion, the contentment comes from within the person. If someone who desperately wants to be rich (just richness, not fame, not status), and is given the stamp-card of being known by everyone, a celebrity status, he would be happy for a while, but not satisfied. Only the acquisition of wealth can make him happy. Likewise, if a person is longing for another person to share his life with, to never be lonely ever again, no amount of wealth will fill the void in his heart. Only we know what we want, and what can fill the void within us. It's all within us. Only we have the ability to make ourselves happy. Only we can rightly measure and say we are successful. Only we can deem ourselves as a failure.

So this new year, I would like to remind myself that only I have the ability to make myself happy, successful and contented. The external forces doesn't count. It all from within.

My experiences with studying Greek.

My experiences with (studying) Greek can be liken to maintaining/working on a relationship/marriage.

Greek 1: honeymoon phase. I feel in love with Greek. Couldn't wait for the next class. Didn't need to study or work so hard to get A. I was just so in love with Greek. It was just so easy to love Greek.

Greek 2: little did I realize, trouble started brewing. I saw that Greek was not all that good. It became harder. I lost interest. Hence, I totally shut down and stopped studying/working on it. I started dreading n abhorring it and wondered why I even loved it in the first place. I wanted to give up. But just continued the relationship without any interest. There was no spark. No chemistry. The relationship just went on auto-pilot more because I didn't see the point in wasting energy fighting it, hating it.

Greek 3: now, despite hating it in Greek 2, somehow I pulled through it without failing. (the relationship was sore, but it still survived) so I managed to convince myself that if I don't start working on it, it will fail n collapse: I needed to put in more effort. It was either I fail or pass. (divorce or stay married) No other choice. I had to choose one. It couldn't continue on auto-pilot mode. So I decided to study. Give a bit of an effort. Because if not, it will fall apart. It is still hard. But I'm not giving up. And the relationship looks better now. But it's something I wouldn't mind closing the chapter on. I wish the love and passion I had for Greek in our honeymoon phase came back. But alas, like any other relationship. once u have seen the worst side of the other person, no matter how much u want to love them again, it just doesn't happen. You know too much of the bad stuff already to want to go back to the honeymoon phase. Only God can restore it back to that phase.

Big Picture

As the talk about purpose and journey continues, most of us begin to discover similar themes running through our lives. None of us know what is lurking in the next corner as we take a step forward in life. The presence of uncertainty can make anyone anxious and for some it can even be a source of disappointment. But for me, it adds flavour to this journey. Life would be so boring, if we knew what's going to happen in the next 5 years, or 10 years. No surprise, no cherishing every minute (since you'd already know what's going to happen anyway ya?), and no tears.

No tears...Well, let's face the facts. No one wants to cry. No one wants to be sad. No one wants to have his/her heart broken. No one wants to be betrayed. No one wants to be.. no one.. but it's those difficult times that shape our character and makes us stronger for the next challenge that we've to conquer. Because whether we like it or not, life brings you both roses and thorns. And without hard times, you will never be strong enough to tackle the tough thorns coming your way.

Also, the element of trusting God will be gone... because you already know what is going to happen, the need for higher power to help you and guide you will be diminished. Of course, even if we knew what's going to happen, the entire details, we would still need God; But the difference is that we would withdraw our focus from HIM and try to tackle the problems on our own. Which in my case, always proves to be futile, cos i always end up tackling a problem in the wrong manner. oh well, in a way these mistakes shaped me too, cos it taught me a lesson and taught me how 'not' to do.

Mistakes... talking about mistakes.. I've so many mistakes that i've committed. Some out of ignorance. Some out of my own will. Some due to my weakness. Wrong choices. Wrong actions. Wrong everything. And many times, I wish I had a time machine so that i can turn back time. I regret things i did, regret meeting some people, regret being vulnerable. But, this is life. There are no time machines. NO ONE can turn back time. So there is no point dwelling in misery and wasting time over past actions. What we should do instead is to take ownership of the wrong we've done and move on. Move on by admitting it was entirely our fault, and by making a resolution to never commit the same mistake twice. Believe it or not, Mistakes shape us more than we think, or give credit to.

Lastly, my thoughts just dwells on the power of love. Yes, you might have been hurt. But never shut down your heart. Love is the most powerful gift....

Bridge over troubled waters

As I listen to this beautiful song, "Bridge over troubled waters"... I was just reminded how often we forget to lay our troubles on Jesus. How He keeps reminding us that He will take care of our worries, and to lay our cares on him... but how often we forget that.......... especially now, with all the papers and exams... Just so tired, everyday is a drag.... like even though i dont get much things done, I still feel so tired. Need to learn to draw freshness from the living water..... Need to learn to put my cares on HIM...

Ok, I'm too lazy to write down everything that's on my mind... That's how mentally tired I am... Just looking forward to 4th April, the day that I fly home... the holiday i desire most....... :) can't wait to see you...... <3

What just happened?

"it's all too quiet" "it's coming over YOU, like its a big mistake" "somethings made your eyes cold" "Come on, don't leave me like this, i thought i had u figured out"
"My mother accused me of loosing my mind" "you paint me a blue sky, and turn it to rain" "maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame"

One second, one minute, one day.... seems to make a whole lot of difference...
One random thought, One random mistake... I swear it's always mistake with me.. cos the mistakes I've made are not intentional... Well, a certain someone told me that its intentional... but its not..... its pure mistake..... All these put together, and we are in a different world. We were in Venus, and now we are in Mars.

I have the urge to update my status on facebook and really put "what's on my mind" but I wouldn't.... cause I don't wanna hurt you... but you don't seem to have a problem updating urs with underline connotations.

If you should read this, and if I really could tell you honestly... without worrying about whether you will go cold... cos that's what you do, when I open my big loud mouth to express myself... I've always been open and expressive... that's what my parents encouraged me to.. to just be open and state my mind... but these days i seem to be hiding my thoughts away....

Hiding all my hurts... Every word you say... or don't say... seem to pierce my heart..
One sword at a time... and when you seem generous, its needles... but needles are painful, though smaller....

But you'd never know, how painful it is to lick my wounds... lick it alone... because you are so absorbed in your world.. all you want is for me to be in your world... you don't want to have anything to do with my world..... All you think about is HOW HURT YOU are.... and should you know... I'm really sorry for what I did... and I'm trying my BEST to heal those wounds... those burning wounds i've inflicted... but you wouldnt give me a chance to.... but instead you cut me into two... or three.. or four...but you'd never know... cause you are so absorb in all your hurts....

The art of Distraction........

No one knows better to distract oneself than yours truly. Well, blame it all on the festive mood. Chinese New year -_- shheesshhhh..................

Writing a paper on the topic "sons of God" but cant seem to get my mind to FOCUS.... managed to come up with only a 1000 words after 2 days of zero concentration..... another 1500 more words to go... Avoni fighting...!!!

But come to think of it... I'm the victim..... Technology has taken my concentration level away...... Facebook, youtube, messenger, Iphone....... the list goes on.....

PLEASE:- word to the students who wants to score "A", "Do not ever ever download RESTAURANT story" *sigh... It's an addictive game... gets you so hooked........ if it doesnt get you hooked, then somethings wrong with you..... I couldn't stop playing... On the train, the bus, walking down the streets, eating, church, studying, writing a paper, in class........ Everywhere... !!! ssshheessshh............ horrible......... Regina dear you got me into trouble by introducing this game.......... hee hee.. but i love it so much........

Nwas my inability to concentrate got so far that I even went to the BBC website to check out news........... which is really funny, cos i don;t normally read/watch news...... never....... only entertainment news......... so well......... the bottom line:- if you can't concentrate, you will invent or find ways to get youself even more distracted......... hmm

Akum darling - my first love

I've always been the type of girl who loves the "idea" of being in love; but is over-the-top scared of really being in love. So i've always hardened my heart. Limiting the feelings to "like"; making absolutely certain that it doesn't go to "love". Cause I've heard of stories where Love hurts and Love betrays and Loves kills you and shatters you to pieces. yeah........

But ever since I met this lovely person, my mind, my brain could not longer control my heart. Never intented to. Never knew. Never even thought of it. But Yes it did. And I thank God for him - the sweetest soul I've ever known. The best of the best. Always making me feel loved.

At this moment, I'm really upset and disappointed in myself. At my stupidity. It was just this one fleeting moment. I've always trusted him, and I've always been very confident of our relationship. But this one second. One destestable moment where I felt insecure. Scared that I'd loose him.

Now I stand here, in this dark tunnel. Hoping I see the ray of light soon. Very soon.

Love only knows. This song strengthen me, when I lost all hope. Baby, only time will tell of the strength of our love. I'm confident of our love. Though it might be late. Hope you can look past this folly of mine.

Love only knows - Josh Groban

"I've tried to hold this back so long

And we're always such a good thing when it's gone
Would it be alright if we just left our heads tonight

Take me away from this old game
Of saying we're both too much the same
Would it be alright if I just stayed with you tonight
And before I go, will I ever see you again

She said love only knows
Love only knows if we'll give into fear and choose life undercover
She said love only knows if it's special enough that we'll choose one another
Choose each other

You were the secret I loved keep
The name I would only sing in my sleep
Would it be alright if we just lose ourselves tonight
And if you let go, will you reach out again

She said love only knows
Love only knows if we'll give into fear and choose life undercover
She said love only knows it's special enough that we'll choose one another
We'll choose each other
And I can't breath with out you and I don't, and I can't live without love and I won't... and I won't

Love only knows if we'll give into fear and choose life undercover
She said love only knows if it's special enough that we'll choose one another
Oh, love only knows how your arms pull me in like the tide pulls me under
She said love only knows just how long we can run before we lose each other

And we need each other
And I can't live without you and I won't"

Charles Barnes

Today after the teacher's meeting, Mr Charles Barnes, this year's examiner for ABRSM exams, came up to me and asked me if I agree with what he says and stuffs.... and we continued talking about music and teaching; the right way, the wrong way and all... Then at one point, he was like telling me that I was a fine pianist - and I was like stoked - I mean coming from such a great musician. And When we continued talking about Chopin's pieces; he was like -"Well Those pieces aren't for me" and he said (am paraphrasing it) that pianist of my level can do that and that he'l leave those pieces to one like me/us. I was like stunned and EXCITED; a musician so fine saying that to me is like totally awesome. And when we talked about practicing fast, cos the argument was that if we are to perform the piece fast we gotta practice fast; and he on the other hand is a firm believer of practicing it slow to get it right and then move on to practice fast; well i do practice slow, but upon the advise of Dr. Mark tanner (a professional -and really popular- concert pianist in UK) I started to practice it fast cos if i m to play it fast i gotta practice it fast- but at times i go slow too, so as to correct some mistakes: Well then on this topic he commented "The Likes of you and Dr. Mark Tanner can do that, but me I'l stick to playing slow" And I was like in my mind (i did not speak out loud) " WHAT??? You just compared me to Dr. Mark Tanner??? You put me in the same level as this prolific musician???" Phew today is the best day of my life.............. :) i m stoked.......... :)

Paw Paw and pussy cat :)

When two people don't get along and are always ready to plunge their fists down at each other's throat, they say, "these two are like cats and dogs". It is true that cats and dogs don't get along. Maybe most don't. But mine do. And i've heard stories of people whose cats and dogs are like so loving towards each other. Then where did this cliche start from? Is ir really true that Cats and Dogs fight like crazy? Or that we human beings just found another excuse to blame the animals for our rivalry.

Here is a picture of my pets. The other morning, my mum and I kinda felt lazy, so we decided to feed them in a small bowl. When we put the food in the bowl and asked both paw paw (dog) and pussy cat to come and eat; we just witnessed the most amazing thing. Paw paw, our sweet dog, really proved herself to be real lady - full of manners. Although she was eating at first, when the cat came to eat, she would move away and let the small cat eat - she would droll and just wait for her turn, and when the cat moves away from the bowl - then paw paw would come and eat; but as soon as the cat comes back, she would give way and let the little one eat. It is such a beautiful sight. Even thought she was so hungry and craving to eat, yet she waited - she let the small pussy cat eat first, then only she ate. It just touched my heart............. The most beautiful sight by far. :)

Montage of my thoughts......

You have the voice, but not the ability to voice out;
You have the ability, but not the voice to reach out;

You want to love, but are not able to;
You are able to love, but is scared to;

You have to be near, to tend the sheep at hand;
You have to be far, to tend the fleet of sheep that's going to pour in;

You have to suffer, to be happy;
You have to be happy, to suffer the long road;

You have to shine, to burn out what's yours;
You have to burn out, to shine even more;

You have to be loud, to hide what's to be hidden;
You have to be quiet, to reveal what's to be revealed;

You have to be cold, to beat the heat;
You have to be hot, to beat the cold;

I guess what I'm thinking is just a juxtapose of useless thoughts,
But still thoughts, nonetheless:

Meditation ~ 14th August 2010

At times, we are full of passion but lazy. Yet, at other times, we are hyper and full of energy yet the passion wears out. This is the perfect example of many lives including mine. Small areas like meditiating on the Word of God, sounds and seems so simple, but required alot more than just a desire. It requires discipline too. Everyone can do their everyday bible reading, yet meditating on it is a different case. When we do our bible reading, we could just skim through. But meditating requires a well relaxed, composed and alert mind, ready to hear from God.

Yesterday, I finally managed to do my meditation. I do my bible-readings everyday, But I find it really difficult to really meditate on it, cos it requires a quiet mind, which is really difficult for a noisy girl like me. It's amazing how God reveals to you when you take a minute for Him.

Some of the areas I realized I should improve, through y'day's meditation.
One, Praying consistently for fellow christians and friends and family. (Romans 1;9, shows how Paul never ceased to pray for his disciples, those whom he converted) He is the perfect example of a Model Pastor. Do I have the passion and the Power to do as Paul did? Day and Night praying for sould that has been saved.

Second, "serve with all my heart"
Do I really have the desire to serve God with all my Heart? Or is it jus a path I think I ought to follow? Help me, Lord, strengthen me so that I will serve you with ALL my Heart, Mind and Strength.

8th May... Rest and relax...

I've been really busy planning the upcoming concert, marketting, rehearsing with choir, rehearsing with band, making the harmony for the voilin and strings,,, so thought will take a break today and just relax....

So teyong, called me up yesterday and in a very shy tone asked me is i could take her shopping.. to buy her concert attire... so today when with her around 9am.. and managed to find a really good dress and shoes as well...

then later in the afternoon, went with sister to the beauty parlour... She had a hair-cut and hairwash.. and yours truly here had a facial, manicure, trimmed my brow... it was soooooo relaxing.. i mean if you wana relax,... go to the parlour... but yeah it had a bad effect on my purse, as i had to pay for both of us... tsk things we do for our pleasure...

then, in the evening, me and my siblings,,, the four of us... we are like the number one gang... always together.... nwas yeah the four of us went to this christian contemporary concert...

so yup thats how i relaxed today.... cant wait for monday to start work again... :)

Eyano's Letters..........

My sister was going through this plastic bag full of old cards and letters, and well I was in the next room.. And so happens, all those cards and letters, were ALL MINE... haha... so she started reading and giggling and stuffs... so I got distracted and decided to join her.... Just reading those old cards and letters just brought back memories from the past....
And 90% of the letters happens to be EYANO"S haha...... she like one of my BFF.... a totally cool and lovely girl...... just had fun re-reading all those letters... and just kept thinking how silly we were... but it's kinda sweet in a crazy way, how we managed to keep writing and even took the trouble of making hand-made cards for each other.. haha...
Here are my sister's reaction:-
"wow.. she really took the effort in making this one... " laughs laughs....
"wow this letter is too thick.." (laughs.. laughs) and ya she's right, it was soo thick, that like the envelope looked like it'll burst open... haha
and some of her reactions i cant write here... anyways, its like she was reading lines from the letters and laughing at me... and of how silly we both were...

My 22nd Birthday.... :)

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee...... yooooo-hoooo........ I'm am now officially 22!!! How cool is that?? I cant wait to be 23..... haha.... It just feels so liberating to be older.... :)
Yesterday, the 13th april, was like the most pleasant day of this year... seriously... haha.........
Khris wished me first, from the bed, she was like... (waking my up.. )"hey hey... avoni avoni"
Me: yes... good morning
Khris: happy birthday...
me: thank u..
Khris: (went back yo sleep... hahahaha)
Cant you believe that... hahaha... jus woke up to be the first to wish me, then went back to sleep again...
second probably was my mummy, with an envelope... (hahaha... ) and so the rest follows...
Nwas, went for dinner at "mirror cafe". The owner is sooo sweet and makes you feel so at home. Am definitely goin back there.. so had a great time there with Iliang (my no 1 lazy-as-i-m-slash-neighbour fren.. hahahaha... u no we r like 5 minutes away but both of us are toooooo lazy to even visit each other.. ) and yup m glad she came, cos we talked about old times (uno school life n all... ) and it really brought back sweet memories... and oh ya... let me continue... great time with Iliang, alobo and frens, alan and oben.. and ofcus my sweet sis and ever-mature brother...
well...... till my next birthday, I'l be 22.............. :)

Situation is Bad... :)

I love my new Blog skin, its too cool....
Nwas, I accompanied ringo to wokha on thrusday (the 8th.. ) for a wedding. His dearest friend Kuzhazo(i cant spell his name, just too difficult) also came with us. The funniest thing happened. Well, let me give you some backgroud. The driver was driving too rough, that's why my ever-eager-to-scold-and-perfectionist-cousin ringo asked the driver to stop the car and drove it instead. And now since he was driving, I sat at the front with him, and it so happened that Khuzazo had to seat at the back-seat with the driver. Now, the very tragic thing was that the driver did not bath, and the unfortunate thing was that the driver was not naga, he is a bengoli (those indians leaving in bengal.. hahahaha.... ) so the smell was inbearable, atleast not for us who were sitting in front. And so our dear friend, khuzazo almost suffocated. and to add to that, Ringo wanted to have some fun, so he intentionally did not open the window (central control or something) for Khuzazo.

Ringo: (out loud) my coat will get dirty so i wunt open for you.. (but the real intention was to torment khuzazo)

hahaha..... well here's the funny part... we were just talking and discussing amongst ourselves, BUT khuzazo was damn silent (cos of the smell) then suddenly the driver asked him...

Driver: (to Khuzazo) are you feeling bad?? (pause) The situation is bad or what??
At that me and ringo were trying to control ourselves... but suddenly Khuzazo burst our laughing, so we couldn;t hold anymore and started laughing.. now the driver thought he had done or said something witty and continue..

DriverL hahaha... oh really situation is bad??
All; (laughing) .. yes yes... (the funny thing was we were laughing cos HE (the driver) was the reason for the "bad situation" and he thought that Khuzazo had motion sickness and so innocently asked him if the situation was bad.. so we played along with that...
Ringo: he (refering to Khuzazo) is weak... so that's why he has trouble travelling..
ME: (laughing even harder)
Khuzazo: what to do ... situation is bad,... hahaha...


So the whole trip was about "situation is bad" it sort of became the line of the trip.. haha...
and even more funny was, as soon as we stop the car khuzazo would jump out instantly and go out for fresh air... hahaha

later after we reached W0kha..

Khuzazo: (to ringo) wait.. for you, the coat is more important than human life huh??

well, what to say... khuzazo really had a bad situation... :)

Seminar at BL

Yesterday, I went to Bor-lingiri church for a Music seminar, and had a blast. The attendtees were so cute and responsive... cute meaning "naive and willing to learn everything and anything"... and I was like in for a big surprise, cos i happen to met sueng eun again... never thought i'l see her again, but wow... glad she's here, oh incase u guys r wondering, she has volunteered to be like a short-term missionary in dimapur, and I happen to meet her last july on my visit to Korea... so never expected to see her again but yup.. m glad...
Oh, and another reason to be glad... I found a new friend... yippy!!! haha.... Mister Alobo.. (i hope u r reading this... hahaha.... :p) nice fella, a bit crazy... hahaha.... i mean good-crazy... well.... glad i accepted to facilitate this seminar... along with Noah and alobo, both did a great job in imparting the youths....

Amritsar.... !!!

Amritsrar is a lovely place... people are friendly, unlike other indian states like kolkata and delhi where people can b rude... i think punjabis are nicer aye?? nwas had a blast yesterday shopping wit Amongbi... hehe... the two shopaholics.... :)

nwas pretty jittery about today's performance... pray for us... ;)
btw my handsome brother Albert came all the way from delhi just to be with us... hehe... so m sooo happy.... (uno its 6 hours journey to amritsar from delhi... and oh its 3 days journey by train from nagaland.. thats how big India is... hehehe... abit og geography huh?? hehe )

love u all.. now i will get back to enjoying my breakfast... ;)

Cough, flu, sore-throat...

I've been having this terrible cough, blocked-nose, sore-throat since last wednesday or thrusday... its almost been a week , considering today is tuesday... Nwas it's quite painful, these coughs... like when i start coughing, my tummy atomatically starts aching, feels as if i'm doing some belly-exercise.... nwas the sore-throat thingy is much better... like a few days back... my voice was super husky... and sometimes when i speak, my voice suddenly becomes inaudible... like.. a funny cartoony sound... the headache disappeared not soon after i ate those pills... maybe sunday or something...

nwas contonue praying for me...
My choir has a 30mins performance at amritsar.. its in Punjab, quite far from Nagaland...
n its quite an honor cos its a national event, and considering how big is... its quite a big thingy...

okies bye for now... pray for me... :)

:)

i guess its true when those highly intellectual people said that we human beings are social and relational being. COS jus imagine being left alone in a deserted island.... I, for sure will DIE... nwas this just struck me, after i read the email that rachie dear sent me.... like wenever she writes me somthing, it touches me... cos she always mentions how important i am, and how blessed she is to have me... like it gives me this boost... like the feeling that i am wanted, loved n that am appreciated... :)... and also ruth... so sweet... always.... she even took the trouble to write (hand written man... ) a letter to me... :) and on top of that.. she een enclosed a gift... how much better can it get... :)

well, other than that... my best fren's wedding went sooo well... i got to wear a lime green dress and a tiara, cos i was the maid of honor.. hehe... so happy... i atleast got to be a princess for a day... :)..

mmmm.... and these days m reading ALOT n alot of books... cos semester started again, and i've to go back to teaching... NO more holiday mood....... :( hehe

okies........... bye now bloggie... :)