life, seasons, new duties...

As the day passes, u no there's a bundle of things that u have yet to complete... well i have a feeling that the next 6 months will be like that!!! Although i'l b taking a break from TCA college, from all my creative studies (or rather from my carzy frens) I'l not be totally taking a break!!! Oh man, i better anounce to all my frens about my break!! ( I"L b leaving singapore for more than 6months)

For one, i have to help my dad. period. Ever since i left, he felt a gap in his music dept (not a big gap though hahahha), then consiquetively another main teaher left (for some reasons i will not discuss here,. LOL... a gal got to b discreet ok??/) then after that Albert (my Bro) left for his studies, a few months later Benry (my other brother left).... so u c he kinda feels a huge gap!!! SO MY DUTY IS TO GO BACK AND REVIVE the system, get the school moving to another level!! hopefully i can... (hey Avoni,, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!!! Amen)

Then my Next mission.. which is sort of connected to the first... I am planning to give non-stop recitals, mini concerts, parties... that will give awareness to the people that AVONI is back!!! yo yo.. kidding... i thought it might be helpful to strengthen the music department... maybe a silly thought but i will definitely c it through... so that even after i leave home and go back to pursue my desire,,, the dept would sort of be strengthened?? don you think so???

ok, then number three... to go back and continue with my studies, from where i left, not my creative arts one but my secular degree in english major... then atleast i would have a Bachelor degree.. muhahahhah.... LOL!!!

then number 4... to give music exams from ABRSM for my voice and further extend my piano as well... maybe if time permits i'l try to do more...

then number 5... save money and go for a holiday!!!!! yay!!! cos i know that once i get back to singapore and study i mit not get a chance to breathe and relax... so woo-hooo....

and now most importantly... i will have fun, enjoy, be pampered by mummy and daddy, and hahaha... atlast will get to c my room!!!! wee.... OH,,, now come to think of...i will really miss my frens in singapore????

Small, lil, tiny miracles....

well, there are alot of things that cud happen to us quite fruquently and they become a part of you. For me, dropping my phone at the wrong places (like a hard, solid, tough cemented ground) was a norm. God knows how many times i'v dropped it and still nothing happens, until y'day..... I dropped it at the lift and i really have no idea how i did it!!! then suddenly it went blank... the screen wunt display anything.... i cud sense a vibration now and then, it wud either b an sms or a call... but the screen was blank.... was terrified.. cunt survive without it man!!! then tod i'l repair it the next day (which is today) so went to those repair shop and asked how much it wud cost me... and the person told me it useless to repair cos it wud cost me $90 (so in a way, gettin new one is more worth it than repairing it) haiz!!! i was totally burning up, but kept my cool tho....

Ya, so i tod i'l get a new one.... mmm... din want to waste money gettin another one, wen i could use that money for other purposes!!! well, at that moment i said a prayer. Ask God to restore my phone!!! (let me tell u, i felt really silly, praying for my phone... others pray for storms, cancer etc.. well i prayed for my phone)

A hour or two, nothing happened, my phone was still not working.... well by now i have already forgotten about the prayer i pronounce...

well, my hands got ichy and i wanted to check if there were any progress... switch on my phone and TADA!!!! it was working...... i was jus stunned!!!! open my mouth and started shouting for joy!!! you know how hard i can scream!!!! well,..... this was a lesson for me... no matter how small the issue... God wants to b a part of you, He wants to take the lead place in Big and SMALL things as well........ yeah!!!!

Expectations!!!

"what do you expect of your future spouse?"
Pastor Anita popped that question at small group discussion y'day and left all of us speechless (which is not very usual in my group) Listening to the different people share was kinda interesting... They all think very alike and i was sort of alien to all those expectations that each one of them listed out!!! Here are a few....

Ella: He must be a handy person (like someone who can fix a broken bulb or chair etc) ** at this i went blur**

Samuel : I want her to be a housewife and raise the kids. **my reply wud be "what about her dreams and ambitions???"

Lewis: these days i'v been thinking about getting married. ** ding!!!**so straight-forward**

Jerry: Shud not shop so much. or buy something expensive and later come and shock me ** Hello gals love to shop,,,, so its a matter of who's money are u using to do that refreshing hobby**

"know how to cook" "must love kids" "need not be handsome" ** let me tell you at tis my nouth jus dropped** "must know how to manage finance cos i m very bad" etc etc... everyone jus starting popping like a popcorn....

THEN after a short while, they paused and asked who hasn't share... and tada,,, it was me... i din wana open my mouth.. i mean i don mind sharing but all the things they listed out were like so different from what i expected. I mean they were so specific, and i'v never tod of all these... so i replied, "I don wana say"
"Why not??"
"cos mine is so diff from yours and i mit sound superficial"
" it ok. jus tell us what you have in mind"
mmmm...... ya then i tod hey doesn't matter if they think i m weird or anything.. i jus went ahead... lol... Ya all those list!!! Tall, handsome, gud body (not too fat not too thin) must b manly enough to carry the colour PINK, smart and hard-working but not neccesarily rich (being rich is not in my list), must super pamper me and shud also be able to take all the pampering that i will pour out to him... blah blah blah,, the list goes on!!! But sadly i forgot to add the most important thing.. MUst be Godly!!!

Well!! then after all that she jus threw us another question
"you have all listed out your expectations, but what about your partner's expectation?"
Then she pointed out, that we may have expectations too,, but will be be able to bend our expectations abit for the expectations of our partner... ya n that put us to a silent mode again!!!

Well, nwas that lesson that i specifically learnt was that this small rule applies even in our ministry or other aspects. ** dealing with the expectations of others**

Two- edged Sword

"The word of God is sharper than a two-edged sword" - well, i think cos god Knows us deeper than anyone else, even those secrets that we don't know about ourselves.

Have not been blogging for quite long....... Have been havin a terrible time the past week accepting reality. We live in a world where things go the way we don't intend it to go. Like a wise saying goes, "Happiness is like a butterfly, if u chase after it, it will run away. But if u sit still, it will come to you" I guess God has been applying this quite often in my life. At times, He does things for me that i wud have never thought about. Getting into the Singapore Symphony Chorus, A sense of security in monetary terms concerning my studies, wonderful friends who are always there for me even at 4am in the morning. But I sort of realised that the problem is not with God, nor with me not doing what i shud be doing but With Me doing beyond what I shud be doin.
People have always said that creative people are emotionally imbalance, and many a times i have proved them right. Just last week i had this thought of giving up what i was doing, as it seems to be taking me nowhere. For me, time is a very significant element and extending my period of studies (not because i have not finis my course in time, but becos i have to wait for my fellow students to finis their course so that we can start the next level together) seems to be the button that triggers me (ALL the TIME) I Guess i have to realise that a thousands years is a day to God and a day is a thousand years.
well, so the other night I cunt handle this depression, the thought was too much for me, being 20 and not making it!! so i tried calling up my parents but somehow the line did not go through. Then, I smsed Meron and told him how I was feeling but he seemed to be tired so i dropped the idea of telling him further. But i was feeling so down tht i needed to talk to someone, so I ended up calling Alan. He is someone who has known me for quite a number of years, seen me grow up and knows about my various emotional waves. Well, it was 4am in the morning, but he was ever so willing to sort out my probs, I thank God for his words of encouragement and stuffs, cos i m now much better and not at all depressed. I have realised that problems or strange thoughts starts creeping in when i focus on myself and not on God.
Alan sort of showed me that life is not about getting what you'v expected, but getting even better than what you have ever dreamed off. Yes, I will Hang in there and slowly unfold all the good things that God has in store for me.
well guys, i have one last thing to share before i sign off. Well, I have like many christians, always wanted God to tell me something through preachers or stuffs like that. And as usual, i was asking God last sunday, "WHAT dya have for me today?" and as soon as i finished asking God that Question, the preacher said, "God does not need to reveal to you through a prophetic word/words, every single thing that you do or every natural occurances in your life is a word from God" (Well, I paraphased it a litle bit)

Mixed feelings

I miss my sister, n mum, n dad, n my brothers..... really love tthem alot!!! i cunt imagine, what i will do wen God asks me to forsake tem for HIM.. i will be stuck!!! anyways, like ruth always tells me, "if u go through that, God will give u the strength" I hop he does!!!

God has always been very good to me n i always have this mentality that i need to do something to reciprocate his love!! But i m reminded now and again that I HAVE TO DO NOTHING!!!! All i have to do is live in his love n be obedient,, (which at time, i tel u, its hard,, obedience requires great skill alryt,, lol)

Ok ok. ten these past few week. The sunday preachers r like talking non-stop about obedience n stuffs. gettin to my head.......... how fulfilling God's mission will require for a sacrifice on personal happiness and safety! n then during worship songs like blessed be your name,,,, they tend to tell me stuffs i never knew before.... "Blessed be your name....... THOUGH THERE'S PAIN IN THE OFFERING, blessed be your name"

I think God is telling me something... like i need to give up something i love (my dreams or something, duno!! n its scary)

Ok the to make matters worst,,, while havin dinner with Ayan, he was telling me how people dont become successful instantly. He told me, "go ask any successful business man, the top CEO's, anyone... they will tel u what they went through. they did not start there uno, some of them started as door to door salesman or something like that" (Guess he was talkin about his brother.. lol. ayan if u r reading this..... HI n sorry for comments)then i was like thinking.... "but there r people who get it wiout tryin"

MMMm........... anyways...... God has a better plan for me then i have for myself.......

Oh man!! yeserday i was carrying mark's baby....... ten this sudded feelin came up to me... like i wana baby... oh man,, mark's baby is soooooooooo cute....... it just rouse up the passion i have for having a baby!!! way to go sister............ ok i l stop now..... guess m borin u guys.......... LOL ciao!!!

NOWHERE!!!!!

I feel as if I am going nowhere. Like i m going to be stuck in this phase forever. suddenly i don't feel like I m growing, as in skill wise, spiritually, career or whatever, and it scares me to think that i will be stuck in this level for my whole life!!!

I need my big break!!!! I'v always wanted to be a Star, to be somebody, to die performing on stage, but m nowhere there. and these past few years i have not been performing, like for real. (ofcus i do play piano n sing in church and stuffs, but thats not what i was born for)

Ever since i could stand, my dad identified that i was stage-material!! He told me a very funny story. it seems i would press the Demo button on my keyboard and act as if i was performing, well my audience were my parents, relatives and parent's frens!! LOL! and i was only 2 years old. but i feel i m never gona make it big OUT there!! I am 20 for goodness sake, and stuck here as a nobody!! Whereas those fortunate fellas make it BIG out there by the time they are 16!!! arrrgghhhh!!! It's frustrating for me to be here.......... I want to conquer the whole world....... due to my bubbly disposition, everyone thinks i happy and satisfied withh my life, BUT what they don't know is that i m rotting inside. spending most of my nights crying and questioning God!!!

WHY GOD???? why???? I love you but why do I have to sacrifice my dreams????

LOST PASSION

Sitting here in the Library, this feeling jus knocked into my head... like i felt so emo* and stuffs like that; then i realized that my passion for music has been revived. I have finally learnt to embrace "My first Love" which i have for so long disregarded. Let me relate to you the series of events that bulk up to this realisation.......

* My dad called me like last week, and ask me to take violin class and also to upgrade my piano. (and let me tell ya,, Violin is an Instrument that i wanted to learn, since like eternity, but never got the chance)

* On tuesday, after Voice Lesson Melody wanted to hear me play the Piano, so I just sort of sight-read those books that she had. I really enjoyed playing the paino so much so that when i stopped playing and checked the time, AN HOUR HAS PASSED!! (and it has been a long time since i played classical pieces)

* While chatting with Meron, he asked my what my passion was and without a thought I told him "Music, dance and drama" and the more he talked about music, the more i yearned for It.

* Y'day Shaun passed me this link, it 's about this Jap guy playing a paino piece, and the more i listen to it, the more i am drawn into this unknown world where i do nothing but just play and enjoy music. (btw have been listening to this music in library too.. lol)

* Then today, i kinda explained to Rohit about this sudden change, this past passion that has been revived. So in his usual way, replied that I must be in LOVE. Then i was thinking,, Yes yes,, I m in Love... Definitely i M in Love .. with MUSIC!!