Real..

What rachel said really jerked me back to reality.... how my gift was "being real".... well, sometimes to the point of being over-ly blunt, and hurting people as well... just becuase i cant fake it.. i just cant... its either black or white (...or pink.. hehe.. :) and i wana continue being real... but somtimes along the way i feel "short of".. as in "not good-enough"... i wana serve God with all my heart, strength, soul.... but sometimes i know i just cant...
well, y'day I was just having one of "these talks" with daddy... and he just made a very big deal out of it... i was telling him how scared i was.. of all the uncertainties in my life.. i donu where i m goin and stuffs... then, he just got pretty frustrated with me and told me straight that i was being imature and not listening to God... and ten i said, "all these years i've been listening to him.. but he never gives me a clear direction... everything in life has a system... u get concieved, ten birth, ten u r a day old.. a week n through that processs u grown up.. but with God, its haphazard... nothing is in order.. i just want him to tell me or show me where i am heading to.. "
Then at this moment.. somthing he said jerked me (but i did not admit at that moment)... "well, then u r lord of ur life.. if u r saying so.. then u r not letting God be the lord of ur life... u r ur master.. "
yup!!! isn't it like tat with many of us... we want him to be the Lord of our life.. but we don't give up our dominance as well.. :)
well there's a sort-of poem i wrote... will be posting up in facebook.. its called "scared"

wats wrong wit me.....

i just yelled at mummy... why?? COS she irrtated me!!!
to make matters worst.. I'v been diagonized with chronic throat infection!!! PLUS i just came back from class (teaching fundamentals of music.. ) so just imagine how irritable i must have been... its difficult enough for me to talk.. and i had no choice so i took the class, which means i have been talking non-stop for an hour.. and for goodness sake MY THROAT HURTS!!
And here she comes.. just poking me with her stupid... AHHHH,,,,,, she's like JERRY (from tom n jerry..) just poking me quietly with her stupid words.. and making me scream.. God damn it!!

I donu why things like this just happens to me.. AT times.. i just cant control!!!...
I try.. i really do.. but... damn it...
like... i try to discipline myself and read the bible.. but most of the time.. i just miss my quiet time... its not that i don'[t wana do.. but i just cant discipline myself enough to do it.. and... aya.. alot of stuffs..
People.. i m not perfect,,, not even a good christian... haiz... its so difficult..
I need a trickle of faith to turn my dirty self into something worthy...

God's plan ~

I happened to pick up a magazine, a few moments ago, and flipping through the pages, an ariticle by a Famous Russian Cellist "Dmitry Eremin" caught my attention. He is a Christian, Hurray for that!!! A particular sentence confirmed what had been coming on to me quite strongly these days... "if i had chosen the instrument I wanted to do would I be able to stand here?"
Well... let me give you the context of this amazing sentence...
He is a very well renowned cellist, born in a fmily of Musicians.. His grandfather (a famous bassoon player) rubbed shoulder with famous perssonnels like Mravinsky, Stravinsky and shostakovich.. (if you aren't into classical music,.. pardon me...) BUT initially.. he did not quite fancy playing the cello... Piano was the instrument he liked... and given a choice he would have choosen to be a pianist... but he goes on to say that... "you may have the same experience in your own life. Although you like doing this but MUST do another. God knows our future. He knows if we go this way what will happen."

Then at prayer meeting, dad was sharing about an article He read... Its about a bird called "ALbatross" As he read out, I began to realize that if we rely on our own strength we don't to realize our full potential.. it is only when we spread our wings and leave it to God that we soar the highest... Let me jus qoute some lines from this article...
"It does not rely upon the flapping of its wings. but entrusts itself the wind and the sky.... thus flies the highest and fastest" "it does not fly on the strength of flapping its wings.. BUT with the WISDOM...." "A hummingbird flaps 60 times a second. but lives 4 years at the most.. Flying higher and further withour flapping wings.. AN Albatross lives up to 40 years.."

Help me (and us) to rely entirely on you, Dear God.... :)