Real..

What rachel said really jerked me back to reality.... how my gift was "being real".... well, sometimes to the point of being over-ly blunt, and hurting people as well... just becuase i cant fake it.. i just cant... its either black or white (...or pink.. hehe.. :) and i wana continue being real... but somtimes along the way i feel "short of".. as in "not good-enough"... i wana serve God with all my heart, strength, soul.... but sometimes i know i just cant...
well, y'day I was just having one of "these talks" with daddy... and he just made a very big deal out of it... i was telling him how scared i was.. of all the uncertainties in my life.. i donu where i m goin and stuffs... then, he just got pretty frustrated with me and told me straight that i was being imature and not listening to God... and ten i said, "all these years i've been listening to him.. but he never gives me a clear direction... everything in life has a system... u get concieved, ten birth, ten u r a day old.. a week n through that processs u grown up.. but with God, its haphazard... nothing is in order.. i just want him to tell me or show me where i am heading to.. "
Then at this moment.. somthing he said jerked me (but i did not admit at that moment)... "well, then u r lord of ur life.. if u r saying so.. then u r not letting God be the lord of ur life... u r ur master.. "
yup!!! isn't it like tat with many of us... we want him to be the Lord of our life.. but we don't give up our dominance as well.. :)
well there's a sort-of poem i wrote... will be posting up in facebook.. its called "scared"