Mixed feelings

I miss my sister, n mum, n dad, n my brothers..... really love tthem alot!!! i cunt imagine, what i will do wen God asks me to forsake tem for HIM.. i will be stuck!!! anyways, like ruth always tells me, "if u go through that, God will give u the strength" I hop he does!!!

God has always been very good to me n i always have this mentality that i need to do something to reciprocate his love!! But i m reminded now and again that I HAVE TO DO NOTHING!!!! All i have to do is live in his love n be obedient,, (which at time, i tel u, its hard,, obedience requires great skill alryt,, lol)

Ok ok. ten these past few week. The sunday preachers r like talking non-stop about obedience n stuffs. gettin to my head.......... how fulfilling God's mission will require for a sacrifice on personal happiness and safety! n then during worship songs like blessed be your name,,,, they tend to tell me stuffs i never knew before.... "Blessed be your name....... THOUGH THERE'S PAIN IN THE OFFERING, blessed be your name"

I think God is telling me something... like i need to give up something i love (my dreams or something, duno!! n its scary)

Ok the to make matters worst,,, while havin dinner with Ayan, he was telling me how people dont become successful instantly. He told me, "go ask any successful business man, the top CEO's, anyone... they will tel u what they went through. they did not start there uno, some of them started as door to door salesman or something like that" (Guess he was talkin about his brother.. lol. ayan if u r reading this..... HI n sorry for comments)then i was like thinking.... "but there r people who get it wiout tryin"

MMMm........... anyways...... God has a better plan for me then i have for myself.......

Oh man!! yeserday i was carrying mark's baby....... ten this sudded feelin came up to me... like i wana baby... oh man,, mark's baby is soooooooooo cute....... it just rouse up the passion i have for having a baby!!! way to go sister............ ok i l stop now..... guess m borin u guys.......... LOL ciao!!!

NOWHERE!!!!!

I feel as if I am going nowhere. Like i m going to be stuck in this phase forever. suddenly i don't feel like I m growing, as in skill wise, spiritually, career or whatever, and it scares me to think that i will be stuck in this level for my whole life!!!

I need my big break!!!! I'v always wanted to be a Star, to be somebody, to die performing on stage, but m nowhere there. and these past few years i have not been performing, like for real. (ofcus i do play piano n sing in church and stuffs, but thats not what i was born for)

Ever since i could stand, my dad identified that i was stage-material!! He told me a very funny story. it seems i would press the Demo button on my keyboard and act as if i was performing, well my audience were my parents, relatives and parent's frens!! LOL! and i was only 2 years old. but i feel i m never gona make it big OUT there!! I am 20 for goodness sake, and stuck here as a nobody!! Whereas those fortunate fellas make it BIG out there by the time they are 16!!! arrrgghhhh!!! It's frustrating for me to be here.......... I want to conquer the whole world....... due to my bubbly disposition, everyone thinks i happy and satisfied withh my life, BUT what they don't know is that i m rotting inside. spending most of my nights crying and questioning God!!!

WHY GOD???? why???? I love you but why do I have to sacrifice my dreams????

LOST PASSION

Sitting here in the Library, this feeling jus knocked into my head... like i felt so emo* and stuffs like that; then i realized that my passion for music has been revived. I have finally learnt to embrace "My first Love" which i have for so long disregarded. Let me relate to you the series of events that bulk up to this realisation.......

* My dad called me like last week, and ask me to take violin class and also to upgrade my piano. (and let me tell ya,, Violin is an Instrument that i wanted to learn, since like eternity, but never got the chance)

* On tuesday, after Voice Lesson Melody wanted to hear me play the Piano, so I just sort of sight-read those books that she had. I really enjoyed playing the paino so much so that when i stopped playing and checked the time, AN HOUR HAS PASSED!! (and it has been a long time since i played classical pieces)

* While chatting with Meron, he asked my what my passion was and without a thought I told him "Music, dance and drama" and the more he talked about music, the more i yearned for It.

* Y'day Shaun passed me this link, it 's about this Jap guy playing a paino piece, and the more i listen to it, the more i am drawn into this unknown world where i do nothing but just play and enjoy music. (btw have been listening to this music in library too.. lol)

* Then today, i kinda explained to Rohit about this sudden change, this past passion that has been revived. So in his usual way, replied that I must be in LOVE. Then i was thinking,, Yes yes,, I m in Love... Definitely i M in Love .. with MUSIC!!